Confessions of a Chronic Masturbator, Part 1

28 Jan

I am a wanker.

Actually, let me restate that: I am a massive wanker.

Now, of course I don’t mean that I am a wanker in the sense of an annoying, boorish idiot, no matter how many times the word has been used in sexual harrassment cases against me. (Come on, girls! It’s just a bit of slap and tickle, innit?)

No – I mean I am a man who wanks one hell of a lot.

I feel no shame in confessing this as I am not a pervert, or a degenerate, or a hairy-knuckled drooling sex pest (again, no matter how many times those words are used in sexual harrassment cases against me).

In truth, I am a victim of my own titanic libido. I have the sex drive of a herd of bull elephants at the peak of humping season and there’s nothing I can do about it.

To help me deal with this affliction, doctors encouraged me to keep a record of my daily shuffling, so that I might identify causative factors, significant patterns or interesting correlations. So that I can help raise awareness of this largely unknown syndrome, I would like to share these Wanking Diaries with you through this blog.

June 14th 2009

Bad day today. Bashed one out before getting out of bed, as usual, but then again in the shower, on the drive to work, in the lift from reception to the seventh floor and in the disabled toilet before I got to my desk. The old chap looked like the victim of a violent robbery – which in some senses, he was. Thought I’d got things under control, but then I overheard Sharon and Yvonne discussing their menstrual cycles and I had to run off for a double-header.

The new ad agency visited after lunch and they came with the usual array of beauties. To be fair, I do stipulate this in the contract, but I should know better. I mean, I’m pretty sure I’ve developed a technique for in-meeting jerking that goes unnoticed, but who knows? I had at least three in the meeting this afternoon. Mind you, they were all happy to shake my hand, so I suppose they’re none the wiser.

June 19th 2009

Summer is the worst time. Every shoulder-strapped little strumpet that walks past just sets me off and…no, I’m going to have to nip to the lavs just thinking about it.

Cor. That’s better. Today wasn’t that bad as I managed to avoid female contact for most of the day, except for when I went to Delilaz. They understand my issues there, however, and deal with them accordingly. Trouble is, they deal with them accordingly for 50 notes a go and I’m not Rockefeller.

June 21st 2009

Jesus! Does my mother have to wear high heels on her poker nights?

Do you see what I go through? That’s just a glimpse. More will follow my friends.

I am Dave Knockles. And I pull more than an epileptic bell ringer!


One Response to “Confessions of a Chronic Masturbator, Part 1”


  1. Confessions of a Chronic Masturbator, Part 2 « I AM DAVE KNOCKLES - February 17, 2011

    […] you may have read in my previous post on the sorry subject of my jostling problem, I am afflicted by what I call my dirty demons on a […]

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