Ad of the week, no. 1

2 Feb

My friends, I have been for many years a marketing guru, communications mugwump and business kaiser, racking up success after success after crushing failure after success after even more crushing failure after success.

In the world of marketing and advertising, I have been described as ‘a massive’ personality. (Well, definitely ‘a massive’. And the word that followed it began with a ‘p’. I was running down a corridor at one of my old agencies at the time, with expensive vases being thrown at me. Hard to hear, innit?)

Anyway, with that in mind, I’ll be helping my fellow marketing professionals achieve their goal-based aspirations with a regular weekly item where I will choose an ad I think is excellent, or a load of old muffwater, and then expound my balls off as to why.

Here’s the first. It’s Butlins and their green dinosaur.

I hate this ad. It’s rubbish. It’s totally and absolutely awful. I mean – a green dinosaur? I don’t think a green dinosaur is going to motivate anyone to book a holiday, is it?

What, by evoking memories of childhood holidays? Memories of those long, beautiful days, when nothing seemed to really matter? With the sun so bright you had to squint, and long moments in the golden sand, with Daddy throwing you so high into the air that you thought you were fucking flying, and the nervous thrill of making new friends, and the endless, endless light, burning vivid memories onto the grainy 35mm film of your young mind?

Not me. Not me. I didn’t go to Butlins when I was six. I didn’t have a fucking green dinosaur that I took everywhere. I DIDN’T!

Alright? I didn’t.

ALL I DID WAS GET BACK FOR DINNER FIVE MINUTES LATE BECAUSE I WAS PLAYING WITH MY FUCKING NEW FRIENDS AND YOU TOOK MY DINOSAUR, YOU BITTER OLD WITCH! YOU TOOK MY DINOSAUR AND YOU THREW IT INTO THE SEA! YOU FUCKING BITCH! I COULD SEE HIS LITTLE HEAD BOBBING OUT THERE FOR A FUCKING HOUR BEFORE HE SANK! YOU BITCH’S BASTARD’S BITCH!


Ahem.

Come on. Calm down, Davey. Be Bravey Davey for Daddy.


Right. So, in summary, this ad stinks because nobody likes fucking stupid green dinosaurs anyway and nobody needs them churning up bittersweet memories they thought they’d locked away somewhere nobody would ever find them.








Oh, all right.

His name was Greenasaurus, okay? And there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think of him.

Fuck it. Where’s that Butlin’s brochure?

I am Dave Knockles. And I am booking a special summer break, just for me.

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5 Responses to “Ad of the week, no. 1”

  1. Rowena February 2, 2011 at 3:11 pm #

    Hello Dave Knockles

    I like your blog.

    From a fellow- ex-client

    • daveknockles February 2, 2011 at 5:14 pm #

      Thank you, Rowena. I like your blog too!

      (Do you write one? If not, you should.)

  2. Katie February 2, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

    Jesus Christ, Dave! What a heartbreaking story. Go and have a lovely time cuddling the big fluffy dinosaur! Don’t worry about Greenasaurus anymore. He’s having a great time playing with all the fishies.

    Don’t you think it is totally mean mother made the ad? Capitalizing on your pain. What a bitch!

    • daveknockles February 2, 2011 at 8:24 pm #

      Katie, I feel it would appear bitter to blame mother personally for my pain but, well, I do.

      I may never hire them as my agency now. Unless the free lunches are fucking AMAZING.

  3. Katie February 3, 2011 at 12:21 pm #

    There’s no such thing as an amazing free lunch.

    Ha Ha! Just kidding. Mother will pay for it!

    Lunches have to make up for their mean spirit with 4, 3, 2, 1 … double, triple, quadruple chicken! And Balti! And you-name-it! And booze! HA HA! Serves them right!

    I am available for life coaching, style coaching (as featured in Horse ‘n Hounds), PR and anger management, by the way.

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