The Motherfucker List

3 Feb

Motherfuck you, motherfucker.

There are people in life (well, my life – and that’s the important one) who are total motherfuckers. They are also shithounds, cuntpoles, shitpickles and cock-bodgers. They are tits and twats, ballbags and bastards, fucknuts and fartpipes. They are the people sent by an apparently very malevolent God to make certain minutes of my life about as much fun as dental torture performed by Simon Cowell, with a One Direction soundtrack. And Matt fucking Cardle as the dental nurse. And Louis bastard Walsh as the receptionist. And…oh, that’ll do.

I’m sure you have a Motherfucker List. Here is mine. I hate these fucking people.

Bimblers

Bimbling is the act of completing an act or journey without any urgency, energy, vim, vigour or sense that there might be OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. Bimblers will pause outside shops to consider their next move. They will trundle down the middle lane of the motorway at 45. They will take entire epochs to pay for their parking. GET OUT OF MY WAY, MOTHERFUCKER! I AM A ZIPPER, A BOUNDER, A THRUSTER! I AM GOING SOMEWHERE AND I WOULD LIKE TO GET THERE BEFORE MY PUBES TURN FUCKING GREY, YOU SHITBAG!

Every single person on the tube, train, bus, tram or plane that I am on

You motherfucker, you. How could you? Here I am, forced to use public transport, and you – YOU – have to be there too. Why? Why are you there? What could you possibly be doing that’s worth making my trip worse? What, you’re taking the cure for cancer to the Nobel committee? You’re delivering the recipe for world peace to the UN? NO! You’re fannying about buying shoes that you think make you look tall and glamourous, but actually make you look like an unstable prostitute. Or you’re going to a fucking meeting with some other dickpiece about something you both know could wait until some other time. Or you’re…I dunno…going to fucking work. Do you HAVE to? Really?

Footballers

Name a single footballer who isn’t a total fuckball. See? You can’t, can you?

Stephen Hendry

Don’t get me started on that cunt. He knows why he’s on this list. He fucking knows.

Bouncers

Look, all I wanted to do was come in for TWO MINUTES and talk to the bloke over there by the bar…what? No, my name’s not on the list. But this is the fucking Dog & Hog. I’m pretty sure there is no list…no, I’m not calling you a liar. No, I don’t want to meet The Knuckle Brothers. I just want to come in for…eh? The wrong shoes? What are the RIGHT shoes? Fucking winklepickers? Magic slippers? FOOTBALL BOOTS, WHAT? OW! OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW.

Etc etc etc.

The person who invented self-scanning checkouts

Whoever did this, whoever thought it was a good idea to turn me into a checkout girl, is a slice of shitcake like no other. And whoever built the fucking things SO THEY NEVER FUCKING WORK deserves an unexpected item in their baggage area.

What else can I do to make your life easier, Tesco? Eh? When the store needs a facelift, just give me a bell and I’ll be round with my overalls and a cunting tin of paint. Indeed, why not shove a broom up the backbot of every customer and we’ll save you the FUCKING PITTENCE YOU SPEND ON CLEANERS, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!

All of you on this list – you are all motherfuckers. Do you know how I know that you’re motherfuckers? BECAUSE YOU’RE ON MY MOTHERFUCKER LIST, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Who would be on your Motherfucker List, my friends? (Don’t think of putting me on your Motherfucker List, you motherfucker.)

I am Dave Knockles! And you are all MOTHERFUCKERS!

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6 Responses to “The Motherfucker List”

  1. tom February 3, 2011 at 2:35 pm #

    much better

    • daveknockles February 4, 2011 at 10:00 am #

      Wotevs. You still can’t handle my balls.

  2. Katie February 4, 2011 at 9:33 pm #

    Oh yes, Bimblers! Two words: Porsche Cayenne. The other day, some shithound found it perfectly OK to park his substitute for a big dick so that no one could drive down the road anymore, even though there had been free parking space only footsteps away! There was a moving truck parking on the other side of the road and these people had to move the truck away and carry all the furniture over a longer distance, just to avoid a showdown with da police.

    Alright, all you motherfuckers, here you go: Bimblers of all shades and forms. All you unfriendly fuckers. You bigots and numb nuts. All you cringers and backstabbers. What’s wrong with you self-absorbed twats? FUCK. OFF. And don’t come anywhere near me before you have realised what you did wrong! Or I will… DUNNO … give you the evil eye!

    I AM NOT A MOTHERFUCKER! I am, however, available for anger management 😀

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Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. The Motherfucker List « I AM DAVE KNOCKLES - April 7, 2011

    […] My friends and fellow marketing professionals. Some time ago, I published (yes – published) what I called the Motherfucker List. […]

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