Yes, I would smash it

4 Feb

A lot has been said, written and debated about Richard Keys and Andy Gray’s departure from Sky Sports. Their comments about female referee’s assitants, and women in general, were captured by cameras and microphones they thought were turned off, so the way they spoke about the female of our species was laid before us in all its unedited, unexpurgated, unbelievable truth.

My own personal view on the matter is that whether they should have been fired or not, they’re both fucking USELESS at being derogatory about birds.

Especially Keys! Jesus wept – he delivered the ‘would you smash it’ line with all the conviction of a neutered schoolboy. They tried to pass it all off as ‘changing room banter’, but if you’d tried that in any of the changing rooms I’ve been in, you’d have had your knackerbag wrapped round your neck. ‘Hanging out the back of it’? Is that the best you’ve got, Keys?

So, just for the erstwhile Sky presenters – and for any other chaps reading who want to know how proper blokes talk about birds – here are a few tips.

Gray and Keys were fired for being sexist, but they weren't. I could have shown them how to be fucking sexist.

Don’t be coy with the details

Though Jamie Redknapp admitted he used to go out with the young lady Keys was discussing in the ‘Would you smash it’ clip, he doesn’t go nearly far enough. If you’ve had it, you need to divulge every last detail as explicitly as possible. Here are a few starters for ten.

‘I banged its back teeth out.’

‘I banged it so hard she made a face like she was taking a shit.’

‘Did I bang it? Only ’til her spine snapped.’

(The use of ‘it’ is mandatory, of course, because it prevents a chap looking like he views the lady in question with any kind of sentiment. That would make him gay, naturally. However, to repeatedly refer to a lady as ‘it’ throughout a sentence is ungentlemanly.)

Want to go further? Of course. Just make sure its demeaning. Some examples:

‘Once I’d chucked my muck in her ear, I wiped my cock on her dog and legged it.’

‘She wanted it up the clacker but I told her to come back to me when she’d cleaned it.’

‘She’s got a fanny like a fucking aircraft hangar. It was like waving a pencil in the Albert Hall.’

Don’t forget the housework

Discussing women doesn’t always have to revolve around sex (although it always does). A chap can, on occasion, be demeaning about women by referring to their standards of domestic upkeep.

‘Her flat was horrible. I bet her handbag’s full of used johnnies and old tampons.’

‘She can’t cook to save her fucking life. She made me dinner but it tasted like someone had already eaten it.’

The truly demeaning comment, however, should use the subject of housework to springboard back to sex.

‘Her desk is a fucking tip. I bet she’s got a fanny like a gorse bush.’

‘Have you seen her car? It’s a disgrace. I bet her downstairs smells like Grimsby.’

‘Her risotto is distinctly stodgy. I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t epilate.’ (One for you middle class boys there.)

Unify our sisters

A nicely flexible way of speaking in grossly derogatory terms about women is to begin a sentence with the phrase ‘they’re all the same’. Not only does it lump them all into one generalised mass (allowing you to feel superior to them all in one go), but it can lead onto virtually any slur or lazy stereotype you care to cook up. Allow me to demonstrate.

‘They’re all the same. Whack it up their henry and they’ll be calling you ‘sir’ in 2 minutes.’

‘They’re all the same. They act like the boss until you stick it down their neck.’

‘They’re all the same. Madder than Subo on poppers for five days a month.’

‘They’re all the same. Look at you with resigned irritation that verges on boredom when you keep looking at their tits.’

See? It’s brilliant!

I hope those words of advice help, men. Feel free to use these examples in your own emasculated and brainlessly misogynistic ranting.  Just remember that whatever you choose as your derogatory slur, deliver it with conviction, confidence and a slightly menacing leer.

I am Dave Knockles! And I would smash it!


4 Responses to “Yes, I would smash it”

  1. Katie February 4, 2011 at 9:41 pm #

    And men: Do make sure the mic is switched off. You know, to avoid getting sacked and looking a bit of an idiot worth laughing about but not worthy smashing or calling sir.

  2. Anonymous February 6, 2011 at 8:10 am #


    • Stuart Davis February 7, 2011 at 9:56 am #

      I can only imagine the public outcry if either Gray or Keys had smashed it like you Dave. I find it all a bit pathetic to be honest.


  1. Gray and Keys. Back where they belong: just below the bit below the top « I AM DAVE KNOCKLES - February 9, 2011

    […] is what he and Keys ‘do best’. I’d agree to a point. As I pointed out in my post last week, what they ‘do best’ isn’t sexism. They’re fucking USELESS at […]

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