The Coalition. Or, Two Pints of Shit in a One-Pint Pot.

7 Feb

It’s been a while since the election, hasn’t it? Lots has happened. Prince Forehead proposed to a girl as neurotic as his mother. My neighbours relaid their drive. It’s been fucking mental.

In that time, I’ve been watching the progress of our new government very closely. Actually, that’s an overstatement – I’ve been watching them with a kind of wafty, passing interest, every other day or so. And I’ve come to the conclusion that the coalition is suffering with a very fundamental crisis of identity. It’s struggling to define a clear position in political history.

"Remember the agreement, Clegg - I get top bunk. And a go on your wife."

Should it be characterised by David Cameron and Nick Clegg, the two chinless fuckbags who run the show?

Should it be characterised by the gaggle of chinless fuckbags in the cabinet who run around in a state of permanent sexual arousal, drunk on power, like the time at boarding school when they were left in charge of the 3rd years for a whole day and introduced a levvy on incorrectly conjugated Latin verbs that helped to pay off Daddy’s gambling arrears?

Then again, should it be characterised by the rage of the people it serves – people who seem to have forgotten they actually voted the cackhammers in and are now universally fucking livid about everything the government does, says or thinks.

The students, for example, who voted for Nick Clegg because he said he wouldn’t raise tuition fees. Or the people who voted for David Cameron because he said he wouldn’t make any major changes to the NHS. They’re extremely livid now the Ant and Dec of British politics have laid a couple of hefty, steaming U-turns all over the nation’s shoes.

(They’re more livid than the woman on the tube I accidentally asked for a chobble after accidentally popping my winkwonk in her pocket after accidentally grabbing her bristolas after accidentally whispering sex words in her ear. And let me tell you, she redefined livid.)

Personally, I think they’ll be characterised forever by Michael Gove, clammy-palmed toady and Minister of Education. This is a man whose principle achievement in life is making everyone in the room he has just left feel slightly oily, a bit cold and tinged with an inescapable sense of regret. I think we’ll remember the coalition in the same way.

Now, with that slice of Stanley-sharp political commentary done, I’m off to lay a Vince Cable.

Ha ha! I am Dave Knockles. And I am FUCKING funny!


5 Responses to “The Coalition. Or, Two Pints of Shit in a One-Pint Pot.”

  1. Katie February 7, 2011 at 2:59 pm #

    Prince Forehead? You ARE fucking funny, Dave!

    I will remember the gov the same way I will remember ALL fuckbags, full-time politicians or not: Lying, egotistical, whorish, scheming twats that should fuck off and sit on the naughty step forfuckingever because they are actually too dense to fucking grasp how fucking dumb they are.

  2. tallchap February 7, 2011 at 3:36 pm #

    I want to steal your book. That one you have with words like ‘cackhammer’ in it.

  3. Fredrick Bloggs February 7, 2011 at 3:39 pm #

    Those English, what a bunch of whiny cunts, you’re better off being French for fuksake. They might be a sorry bunch of surrender munkies but at least they’ve got the fukin balls to stand up to their government and say up yours every now and then. And the fukin Egyptians too. And they didn’t even vote their government in!

    Those English, what a sorry bunch of fukin pussies. Vote a government in and forget that the last one you voted in shafted you good and proper. That’s why you voted them out you fukin beer swilling curry munchin cunt!

    Down the rub a dub having a fukin whinge every fukin night but I don’t see any of you pickin up a stick and having a fukin pop at some cunt in Downing Street. And you had your fukin opportunity when the students got leary but you fukin missed it, didn’t you?

    Fukin whiney cunts. Revolution, armed and bloody. Thats what I say. Go and hit some cunt. Oi you. Smak. That’ll fukin learn you you fahkin whinging English caahnt. Grow some fukin balls

  4. daveknockles February 7, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

    My, my! My friends, you are in an agitated minority – nobody really seems to be that bothered about this post. You lot, though, clearly have the political future of this nation close to your hearts!

    So do I. Sometimes. Like…occasionally. Or whatever.

  5. Fredrick Bloggs February 7, 2011 at 3:58 pm #

    Sorry, got a little carried away there. Off to the pub for a quick whinge and then home for tea. Splendid

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