Gray and Keys. Back where they belong: just below the bit below the top

9 Feb

Sensational news, sexism fans: Andy Gray and Richard Keys are set to host their own radio show on TalkSport, the first place on the airwaves you go if you want razor-sharp sporting analysis, insightful cultural commentary and balanced political debate. Oh, and rabid half-formed opinions batted about like a ping-pong ball in a game of table tennis between a seven-armed epileptic and an octupus with a violent personality disorder.

Starting on Monday, the pair will, according to Gray, ‘talk about sport’. On TalkSport. Which must be a relief for the gaffers.

Talking about sport, Gray reckons, is what he and Keys ‘do best’. I’d agree to a point. As I pointed out in my post last week, what they ‘do best’ isn’t sexism. They’re fucking USELESS at that.

So, what will the three-hour Keys and Gray show contain?

Here are some ideas for a few regular items that could help fill the airtime between ads, sponsored lowest bidder competitions for knocked off electricals and news with a right wing bias.

Would Redknapp Smash It?

Three young ladies introduce themselves over the air, one of whom Jamie Redknapp has expressed a desire to smash. Remember – Redknapp has seen shots of the ladies, but the listeners are guessing one the voice alone!

Callers take their pick and, if they get it right, win rohypnol.

Hanging out the back of….

Every week, Richard Keys broadcasts from the back of a mystery location. ‘This week, I’m hanging out the back of…where?’ Is he hanging out in the back of McDonald’s? Or is he hanging out in the back of an expensive and very discrete brothel that caters for select members of the media and broadcasting community?

The Game’s Gone Mad

Gray and Keys get a full two minutes to expand in spittle-flecked, frothing detail about the very tiny changes to the way football is regulated that prove its administrators are disgusting leftist hom0 shithounds who will not rest until This Great Game Of Ours has been turned into American gridiron basket hockey. Along with obvious subjects such as female referee’s assistants and slight alterations to the offside rule, the boys could finally turn the sawn-off shotguns of their semi-considered opinions on foreign owners, politicians meddling in football, foreign players, Michel Platini and his England-hating agenda and, while we’re at it, the immigrants who are pouring into This Great Nation Of Ours and fucking it fistways one corner shop at a time.

Oooh, what a Gray day

The boys get to finally silence the millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of people who think they’re bigoted old reactionary cuntsticks with Andy Gray’s solo interview of a leading member of the gay community. He won’t suggest they should be strung up, forced to emigrate or sentenced to life imprisonment. He won’t call them bandyhoops, or gaylords – and he WON’T do his camp voice, even though everyone down Stringfellows says it is FUCKING hilarious. So. That’ll shut THEM up.

They’re just suggestions, boys. Use them if you want. Don’t use them if you don’t. Only do. They’re brilliant.

I am Dave Knockles! And I am a radio producer!

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One Response to “Gray and Keys. Back where they belong: just below the bit below the top”

  1. Katie February 10, 2011 at 6:57 pm #

    Only three birds for Jamie? I would have guessed it’s at least five. Come on, Dave, he needs some more variety to choose from. He is a star after all!
    Will there be a prize other than rohypnol? Roopies are a bit dull and got the same effect as tuning in. A meet and greet with Louise maybe? Or a Thomas Cooked holiday.

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