CultureSmash 2011

18 Mar

My friends, for the last few / several / however many days, I have been buried deep in a bunker of thought, introspection and professional advancement at a marketing conference focusing on the question of the consumer’s self-image and its effect on rationalised sales data. As you can imagine, my head feels like it’s been fucked by a horse.

Over the course of this conference, several significant thoughts have occurred unto me. First, I have no fucking clue what the consumer’s self-image has to do with rationalised sales data. Not one. Not even a small slice of half of a clue. Second, I have no fucking clue what rationalised sales data is. Third, I should NEVER agree to attend a conference without first checking whether there will be booze there. A conference in a ‘dry county’, as the Yanks call them, is a fundamentally stupid idea. In fact, it’s FUCKING stupid. I’d go as far as to say it’s more stupid than Robbie Williams.

The most striking thought to…er…strike me, however, was this: as a communications expert, marketing thought-leader and advertising inspirationalist, I thought it was about time I stopped going to other people’s conferences and staged my own. I’m in the early planning stages, but I’ve settled on the name CultureSmash. (I originally went for CultureFuck, but my mother (who’s nearly target audience) said it would offend God.)

What I want CultureSmash to be is a completely 360 imaginarium that brings together experts from the worlds of advertising and communications, social media and branding, and puts them in a cross conversational environment with members of a range of other everyday professions – doctors, teachers, postmen, strippers, nurses, sexworkers, massage professionals, eroticians and so on. You know – just a cross-section of the public.

What a conference room at CultureSmash might look like if this was the type of room I actually booked.

What I also want CultureSmash to be is the conference that end-games the sectorised reliance on silo-specific jargon. I want it to establish a commercial and social truth in and pertaining to the methodologies, strategies and conventionalised behaviour-patterns surrounding the societal deployment of online social tools.

I can’t make it any clearer than that, really. I think.

A smaller conference room of the sort that may or may not be available at CultureSmash. Imagine if it was available, though, eh? Imagine if it was!

Here’s a tentative agenda for the day, based on my experience of conferences, and my firm beliefs about how they should be organised.

Friday (date TBC), 12.30pm

Meet and greet at Dog & Hog, or Radish Bar, or Dog Bar, or God Bar (depends one which I haven’t been ‘de-customered’ from on the day).

An informal session that will give delegates the chance to get to know one another in an informal setting. Drinks available at delegates’ own expense.

Friday, 7.30pm

Keynote Speech

With the informal meet and greet out of the way, delegates are welcomed to the main venue where Dave Knockles will deliver the Key Note Speech: Emulsifying The Now. Disseminating The Future. (I came up with that in the bath. Once I work out what the fuck it mean, I’m pretty sure it’ll be amazing.)

Friday, 7.40pm

Networking at Delilaz Executive Dance Bar

Keynote Speech over, it’s time to let our hair down. Delilaz, my preferred erotic lady bar, has agreed to lay on some fish paste sandwiches and a selection of executive vol-oh-vonts. (And if I know Delilaz, those crazy, naughty, over-enthusiastic, borderline law-abiding girls will be dishing out handjobs for 45 notes a go! They are incorrigible!)

This is your chance to really cut loose before the Army-standard schedule I’ll be enforcing tomorrow.)

Saturday, 3.30pm


No fucking about. NONE. If you had a lager shandy too many last night, tough shit. I will personally be rousing delegates with a visit to your hotel room. You think I’m joking? I’m not! I’ll probably be in one of your hotel rooms come morning anyway! HA HA! (Seriously, though, I won’t be booking myself a room so I am expecting a bunk-up.) We really need to be up and about by 3.30pm. Well, okay, let’s be reasonable, 5pm. Or…let’s think about this…everyone will need a shower and shit and a bit of a rest, then a cup of tea…okay – let’s say breakfast is at 7pm on Saturday, but NO LATER. Unless you’re late.

Saturday, evening-ish

Seminars and shit

I mean, what does ‘evening’ mean? Could be 6pm for some people! Could be 11pm for others. Let’s just stay in touch. Text me, I’ll pick it up. Anyway, I’ll have all these rooms booked, so let’s use them. I’ll do a seminar on, like, ads and shit, and you lot can fill in the rest, right? Just sort it out amongst yourselves and…you know…have fun! Just make sure that by the end of it, we’ve got an answer to all the major media, digital and advertising problems of the age. Yes? Agreed? Good.

Saturday, later…like…whenever


You really have no idea how important networking is. So let’s fucking network our tits off.

Sunday, all day

Sunday will be devoted to calm reflection, analysis of the issues facing us as a society and some other stuff I will fill in soon. Above all, it’s about calm reflection. For fuck’s sake. Calm. No noise. Just sit there and shut the fuck up.

I think that works, right? Let me know if you fancy it and I’ll put it on a long list of things I need to get round to.

I am Dave Knockles! And I am the king of the conference!


7 Responses to “CultureSmash 2011”

  1. Diana Fire March 18, 2011 at 5:13 pm #

    There. I read your damn blog, you attention-whore. While you lose points for visuals, and your use of the word ‘imaginarium’ made my eyes bleed like a religious statue at Easter, it was aces.

    • daveknockles March 22, 2011 at 12:43 pm #

      Thank you. So much. If you have a problem with words like ‘imaginarium’, I think you should avoid conferences.

  2. Katie March 20, 2011 at 3:13 pm #

    Emulsifying The Now. Disseminating The Future. That can mean a lot of things: Having a wank; getting drunk on various alcoholica and experiencing the disseminated future in the bathroom the next day; getting fucked up on nose candy and booze, giving some tobacco to a stranger for a roll, not being able to resist an urge to get the one or other draw, feeling the need to lie down, going outside, seeing the future being disseminated in the grass, why is the river made up of colour, what’s behind the rainbow. Anyway.

    I’m not going to network at fucking Delilaz. The ladies and me, and everyone who likes oily men bending over, will be at the Apollo. Oh, and you can have my room. I’ll be with Raoul and Mauricio all night. Networking.

    How much will the tickets be? £ 5,000? I’m sure there will be an early bird discount. £ 20 off? Let me know where and when. I’m in.

    • daveknockles March 22, 2011 at 12:46 pm #

      What a fascinatingly revealing response.

      I was thinking of tix for £13,000 including accommodation (organised at your own expense), with a VAT rebate for early birds (subject to a 20% price increase).

      The Apollo? How very seedy.

  3. Katie March 23, 2011 at 10:55 am #

    Dave. Are you trying to bullshit me? Those ticket rates don’t make sense. That’s what Barrel from accounting said. He would never lie to me. I can fire him, you know. So, yeah 13,000. Whatevs. Just make it 15,000. Looks better, don’t you think. Design is SO important.
    BTW, my assistant can sort the accommodation for CultureSmash out. He’s busy doing fuck all but his nails all day, the lazy cunt. Well, and looking after my kids. I pay him for playing! Jesus Christ, he’s living in fucking Disneyland. Some fuckers don’t know how fucking hard life can be. He surely doesn’t, I tell you. Faint. HA HA HA. Anyway.
    The Apollo? Very seedy? I doubt we are speaking of the same establishment. But yes, it is. Love it. What do you mean: Fascinatingly revealing? Yeah, I like to reveal. It’s very fascinating. I did this workshop in Vegas a couple of years ago. Anyway, got a flight to catch now. Just email the details to my assistant.

  4. Hjonesy March 30, 2011 at 10:56 pm #

    I’m in. I’ll bring my whole team too. (that’s just me but I’ll expense it on the basis of a team of 8)

    • Hjonesy March 30, 2011 at 10:58 pm #

      Odd, I typed a ‘team of #eight’ and it showed a smiley icon in shades! A sign I believe Knockles! You should hold the seminar in the Maldives.

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