Hands-on management

25 Mar

Sometimes, management is about taking a hands-on approach. Below is what I recently said to someone working for me who, in my opinion, hadn’t performed the designated task to a satsifactory level. This might help demonstrate for you the essence of a good hands-on, decisive management approach.

Oi! OI!

You! YES – YOU!

What the fuck are you doing? No – don’t look all innocent. What the FUCK are you fucking doing? You dipshit! If we weren’t in a public place, I’d fist you a new plophole!

Why? I’ll fucking tell you, pal. What’s this?

What do you fucking mean, ‘What?’

THIS! THIS CUNTING THING HERE, YOU COCKPILE!

It’s fucking WHAT? Speak up, Mary Ellen! And stop fiddling with your fucking tie, you dickbag.

Right. Now. Tell me what this fucking thing is. I’ll give you  clue what it is. I’M FUCKING POINTING AT IT.

Pardon?

Good. Thank you.

Now. Is it right?

What do you mean, ‘What do you mean?’ It’s a simple cunting question, you bucket of spunk! IS. IT. RIGHT?

BRA-FUCKING-VO! CORRECT! IT’S NOT RIGHT! IT’S NOT FUCKING RIGHT IN ANY WAY WHATSOEVER!

Is your mother proud of you? Is she proud of what you do? Would she be proud of you right now, while you stand there sniffing and…OH SHIT, ARE YOU CRYING? ARE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING CRYING, YOU CUNTPOT?  YOU SHITWICK! HA HA HA HA HA!

Oooh, do shut up, you fucking puddle of piss, you. Stop blubbing, pick your fucking balls off the floor, grow a fucking spine and listen: THIS IS A LOAD OF SHIT. You know it’s a load of shit. I know it’s a load of shit. So stop the little boy act and do it again, only about four billion times better.

What? What do you mean, ‘I’m only nine’? I don’t fucking care if you are only nine, sunshine. If you go about knocking on doors offering your services as a washer of cars for the scouts and some cancer charity or whatever, DO IT FUCKING PROPERLY AND DON’T TRY TO SCAM ME BY MISSING THE ALLOYS! Now get on with it, you little prick. And I’m not paying, by the way. You have foregone your right to payment by being completely shitballs. Just do it and fuck off, or I’ll lock you in the garage until you’re 25 and make you eat rat shit.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. ‘Dave’, you’re thinking. ‘Why go so easy on the kid?’ Well, this is a more restrained and equitable DK you know these days. There was a time when I would have, if I’m honest, been quite insulting.

Still, I hope today’s post helps you approach the thorny issue of staff motivation / discipline with an extra methodology arrow in your management quiver.

I am Dave Knockles! And you will not miss my alloys!

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