Being Dave Knockles

4 Apr

So. What’s new in the upsy-downsy, insy-outsy, leftsy-rightsy life of Dave Knockles, Marketing Director?

Let me tell you.

Everything is fucking amazing. I really think I’ve got this business so sussed, so thoroughly worked out, that I could send my dog, Randy, to work, and nothing much would change as long as he learned how to hit ‘Forward’ on my email.

I’ve had a wealth of internal successes lately, chief amongst them being last week’s board meeting.

Here’s how it played out.

Presenting to the board. It's all about balls, teeth, tits, spine, guts and spunk.

After a really boring load of toss from Big Alan Cockson, Finance Director, about sales and figures and profits and all the stuff I’ve never fully understood, it was my turn to present the thrust of the new financial year’s marketing activity. And I presented its cock, balls, tits and ass off.

‘This year’s marketing plan revolves around  three groundbreaking marketing tools: gladvertising, dadvertising and padvertising.”

“What the fuck are they?” replied Big Andy Poleman, our MD, along with everyone else in the room.

“Gladvertising. Using a unique online monitoring tool, we’ll hijack any positive piece of social media activity and hijack it with the message ‘You think you’re happy now? What if you had the new Cleanasmic Washman Pro 1600?’ This will literally revolutionise everything, ever. In fact, it will revolutionise revolutions.”

Silence in the room. Bang.

“Next, dadvertising. We know our target audience is mums, right? And what are mums always looking at? That’s right. Dads. We’ll recruit fathers aged 25-45…no, sorry, 25-44…to wear commercial messages on their ties, t-shirts, foreheads, whatever, saying things like, ‘Darling. Isn’t it time we got a Cleanassimo Spinchief 1200?’ Again, this will revolutionise everything. This has never been done, ever. Nobody has every attempted it.”

Silencier silence in the room. Double bang.

“Finally, padvertising. Pads are everywhere. Everyone uses pads. People. Adults. Children. Even fucking old people, if you can bear to think about them. And pads are also where people live. Those are pads. Then there are lily pads. And ladies use pads when they’ve got the painters in. Basically, the world is bursting with pads. So why don’t we advertise on them?”

Echoing, chilling silence in the room. Triple bang – what I call a bangtrick.

“Can I ask you a question?” grunted Big Brian Humpage, our Sales Director.

“Sure!” I said.

“Did you come up with all those because they rhyme with ‘advertising’?”

“Of course! You’ve got to have a theme to your presentation.”

“Right. In that case, I’d say we can call everything you showed us ‘sadvertising’.”

The room erupted in laughter.

Wow. I was quite taken aback.

Imagine. An entire room full of your bosses, peers and professional contemporaries – all howling with laughter at you. Openly, uncontrollably.

I don’t now how Brian is going to get over it, myself. He must have felt really stupid for failing to see the potential of gladvertising, dadvertising or padvertising – and everyone in that room saw it straight away. I mean, they were mainly looking at me and pointing while they laughed so hard they started coughing or, in Big Alan Cockson’s case, had another fucking stroke, but they were clearly just waiting for me to join in. It was my presentation after all.

So I did. I just stood there laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing! And laughing. And laughing and laughing and laughing AND LAUGHING! Laughing until the tears ran down my face in great, cleansing rivers. I laughed until I thought I might die!

(I need to make clear now that my tears did not fall into my hands with splashes that seemed to echo with the sound of my mother’s voice, screaming at me only half in control of herself, standing over me with a broom, hurling the words ‘You’re useless! You’re a little fuck-up!’ at me like sharp stones.)

I haven’t heard anything in terms of confirming budgets for my proposals yet, but with a reaction like that, it can only be a matter of time.

That’s the thing about this game, my friends. Big risks get big reactions.

I am Dave Knockles! And I am still laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing and laughing!

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One Response to “Being Dave Knockles”

  1. Francis Arundell April 10, 2011 at 11:41 am #

    You need an agency, Mr Knockles, which truly understands your under-appreciated genius. You need a partner who can bring your big, strategic ideas to live. You need creative execution which blows away all opposition. Give me a call at Wriothesley Arundell Norman Kreutzer. I shall be waiting, gin and tonic in hand.

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