The Motherfucker List

7 Apr

Yup. That's you.

My friends and fellow marketing professionals. Some time ago, I published (yes – published) what I called the Motherfucker List.

Put simply, this was a list of motherfuckers.

Well, here’s another one.

The person who invented self-scanning checkouts

Now, strictly speaking, I covered this utter spunksack in the last Motherfucker List, but I think he (or she, but let’s be honest, probably he) deserves another mention.

Why? Because he is to motherfuckers what cows are to beef. He is the source of motherfuckitude, the mountain spring, the font of all that is motherfuckational, the genesis, the chosen one, the big bang.

For it was he who thought, possibly while standing in a supermarket, that the one thing shoppers need, numbed as they are into medical-grade lethargy by the sheer futility of their existence, is a chance to PLAY FUCKING SHOP.

What was it with this cuntpipe? Did he have a toy till when he was a nipper that he accidentally crushed with his big, clumpy orthopedic shoe and never got over it? Or is he just such a money-grubbing cunt that he saw an opportunity to dispense with some teenaged girls and let us do their jobs instead?

The man is a massive mound of horse shit, dog bollocks, enema water and own-brand crisps.

People in the street

Who are you? What are you doing here? What could you possibly be doing that’s worth the effort? There are literally millions of you, all filling the streets in great drifts of clammy litter. Come on. You know there’s no point. I know there’s no point. Isn’t there somewhere you could go to die?

People indoors

Look at you, all huddled up in your little rooms. Jesus. You motherfuckers.

People in cars

I am the driver of a high-specification BMW motor car. That means I have right of way, all the way, you motherfuckers. If I want to drive at 75 in a 30 zone, just pull over and let me pass. Don’t just carry on driving, for fuck’s sake! And if I want to drive at 45 in the middle lane of a motorway while I take a call, open a bottle of scotch, take off my socks, read a book, change my shirt and boil a kettle on a cunting camping stove – then I fucking will. And you motherfuckers can lump it.

People in general

Let me put this simply: go bang yourself. Yes – you. YOU. Not everyone except you – everyone including you. In fact, you especially.

Well, I think that should do it for now. If you can think of anyone I’ve left out, let me know!

You are not Dave Knockles! And you are a MOTHERFUCKER!

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3 Responses to “The Motherfucker List”

  1. Rickety Pops April 7, 2011 at 10:08 pm #

    If you can steal music online then I’d recommend Fuck Yourself by the inestimable rap artist Frank Zappa. Fits like a butt plug.

  2. jacob werner May 17, 2011 at 3:13 am #

    FUCK YOU

  3. Pheobe Baird October 22, 2012 at 11:14 am #

    Well, I’m a grandmother of four and mother of two, and I dare say that this article I found deeply distressing. You rude cunt.

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