Please stop kicking it. It’s dead.

6 Apr

BMW. Oh, poor, poor BMW. I can’t really bear to look.

Jesus. What have they done to you? Your face is all smashed in and…oh, sweet Jesus! Have they…oh my Lord…they’ve….they’ve cut your balls off!

Those…monsters. Those utter, utter monsters.

Just look at this. I can’t stand to anymore.


Words are usually my friend. But when I saw this execrable piece of horror, they deserted me. All I could do was take a glass, smash it with a stick plastered in human remains, stir in some cancer-causing chemicals and keep eating it until my insides liquified and sweet, sweet death carried me away me on its wings of blessed release.

I didn’t actually do it, obviously. I had a lot on the next day.

So I just lamented the once massive-bollocked one-eyed Godzilla of brand girth that BMW used to be and wondered why someone, somewhere had decided I don’t want an ultimate driving machine anymore. Apparently, what I want is to mince about near a fountain experiencing the ‘joy’ of nearly getting wet. Joy flows, you see? Flows. Like water. In a fountain. With a…oh, fuck it.

I am Dave Knockles. And I am fucking depressed.


4 Responses to “Please stop kicking it. It’s dead.”

  1. Rickety Pops April 6, 2011 at 1:49 pm #

    That said, the only person I know who has actually gone out and bought one of these corporate shitheaps is a complete cock himself. So it’s more or less truth to material.

  2. Markus April 6, 2011 at 2:23 pm #

    What the fuck was that!?

    Why the fuck would I want to go buy a car after watching two douchebags release their sexual tension for each other by doing synchronized car fucking through fountains. The look they give eachother at the end makes me want to vomit all over that little girl’s dress.

  3. Barrel Bottoms April 6, 2011 at 2:55 pm #

    Watch this, it’ll alleviate the BMW induced brain seizures a little bit:

  4. Ron Combo April 7, 2011 at 8:59 pm #

    Complete tossing balls. Jeff Lynne will be happy ‘though.

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